so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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