I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize