I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Randomize
