I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
