my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.