I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
