I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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