I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
