Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
