I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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