I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
