I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
