just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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