A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
