Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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