Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
