Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
