Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize