I think I died a long time ago.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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