sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
