I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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