bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
