I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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