Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
