i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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