the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
