then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
