I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I love having hate sex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
