wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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