It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
