im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
