my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
