she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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