He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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