my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
