Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
