life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore