I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room