You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
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They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.