you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
