Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
