3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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