White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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