apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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