A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Randomize
