i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
