at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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