when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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