I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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