when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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