Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
