and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize