Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
