am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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