Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.