i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely