My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
ttyl tear gas
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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