I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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