If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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